sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
