apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize