You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
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