tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I still have a little drunk in my system
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
