Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
