is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
