i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
