Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
