and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
