eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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