I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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