She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
