She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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