I hate your face
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Soap is not a condiment
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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