she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
