I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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