I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
