So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
