non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
