I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
