I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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