I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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