How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
not ubering you a puppy
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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