my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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