I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
