If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
