I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
