I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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