yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
