Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
