The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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