Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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