It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It was confusing and full of hummus
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
