Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
