When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
