I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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