You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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