How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize