sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
