I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
