He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
