i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
