The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
