There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
