Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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