how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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