Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize