I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Can you bring me the toilet please
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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