Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize