she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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