it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
