but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
