Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
