just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
