does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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